Being strong is a statement of contradiction for most women I know.  In the countless conversations I’ve had over the past year I have encountered a passionate re-evaluation of what it means to be “strong” and it is time we looked at this in earnest.  If we get this wrong with one another or within our own hearts we are in danger of dropping the ball in terms of our influence and capacity to impact one another.

Suck It Up Buttercup: When Being “Strong” Means Ignoring Yourself

For whatever reason it seems to me that there is a dangerous misunderstanding of what it means to be strong for professional, entrepreneurial and mid-career women.  We wear that title with pride and yet it does more damage to us than pretty much anything else we might define ourselves as.  This is a high stakes game where any kink in our armor is potentially devastating to our public persona and level of influence within our industries.

Fail just a bit to girder up our perfect-ness and the consequences are both dramatic and devastating.  For some of us the sheer fatigue of maintaining the guise of strength and accomplishment creates an unstoppable wheel of pretense that we couldn’t get off of if we tried.  Others have no idea how much pain, stress and fatigue is weighing us down.  So we say nothing and do nothing to affect the downward spiral that is our own creation.

Hiding- that becomes the expectation and the agenda regardless of the personal impact we might bare.  When we present flawless and faultless “Strength” it is met with awe and wonder from both male and female observers.  This reinforcement of the undefeatable heroine ultimately becomes our worst nightmare.  The cape and boots others so admire are like shackles around our neck and a destiny we can’t escape.  Hiding who we are and how we struggle so that we “suck it up” no matter what isn’t really strength- its an illusion.  An illusion that many women create to live up to the expectations they themselves have reinforced and the market place values so apologetically.

Nobody cares, nobody wants to know and dammit- you better figure it out or pay the price…

The more you do the more you’re worth is a flawed premise.

2016 seemed to bring a plethora of change for the women I know and have come to admire. I have seen more honest and authentic “breakdowns” than I would have ever expected in a single year and yet- there it was.  Women with hearts of gold, big responsibilities and lots to loose started to shift in their own hearts and in their professional circles.  It seemed to be a collective “that’s enough” to bullshit and burdens.

So- back to my original question- what does it mean to be a strong woman?  It’s not about pretending to have it all together…that much is clear.  That’s an empty basket that bleeds us dry.  Is it about persevering?  I’m not so sure.  The concept of the “strong woman” who faces and suffers through adversity doesn’t resonate either.  I fail to see the value in telling each other “you’ll get through it”, “this will pass” or my personal favorite… you guessed it “you’re so strong I know you can beat this”.  If I were to be honest as an accomplished and outspoken leader in my professional circles- telling people that I was in the midst of some really significant change was mostly met with an apathetic “at-a-girl”.

Not helpful.

The Bad-ass-ness of conquer is just more expectation on top of an already overwhelming need to succeed.  For many of the women I spoke to this year the idea of pushing through their suffering was insulting and rang of pity rather than support.   It would seem that being strong must be something else.

Most of the women I would call strong are ones who found themselves physically ill from emotional pain or have so much stress they don’t remember to shower or eat lunch.    Should we hold them to the wall and force them to hide when they need help?

Not IF they need it…WHEN.

I think we have failed each other.

We’ve gotten this wrong.

Off With The Boots and Cape- It’s Time For Waders and a Shovel

It’s been my observation that the women who are the most afraid to embrace their own strength are the ones who have watched their forbearers fall on their own swords.  That’s the message that “strong women” have inadvertently given the next generation- quiver in your boots ladies because when shit goes sideways- you’re on your own.  Is it the creation of societal norms that brought us here?  Well- maybe but I’m not willing to surrender so lightly to the notion this was done TO me.  Rather I’m looking in the mirror and saying “hey you- at some point you created this crap- maybe it’s time to un-create it”.

I’m going to choose a different message and it’s one I’m seeing embraced across professions by women everywhere.  You see- strength is about admitting this IS a mess and deliberately pitching your shovel in the mound to say “this stops right now”.  Get your hip-waders on because we’re going in deep here.

I admire all the women I know this past year who authentically set boundaries in their personal and professional lives.  Who said “no” to drama and coercion in their work environments.   These women who said “in order to be strong I need to show you what it means to be weak”.  I’m going to handle it- yes- but not by trudging through the mess- I am going to instead dismantle the mess itself.

The women I would give the title of “strong” to are the ones I watched walk away from relationships that hurt them, environments that disrespected them and decided- just DECIDED- to take back control of what came into their lives.  They called in sick when they were sick, went on vacations and turned off their phones and starting saying “no” to people who asked for help and disappeared when they were called upon to return that favor.

They were the women that said “nice mess” and didn’t pile onto their own lives crap that wasn’t theirs to take.  Instead they told the TRUTH about the shit they were going through and systematically said “good bye” to the pile that was created from that fall out.  They let people know they weren’t “ok” and that today they were on the couch in their bathrobe because they just needed to cry. Not for the faint-hearted or “fair-weather friend”. If you had the privilege of being around a woman this past year who was doing this- you witnessed some epic shit and it wasn’t pretty. It was real and it was her.

And then you know what happened?  They got off that couch and showed up in the workplace and in relationships as different.  I watched countless women go through very public and very ugly situations without hiding it.  I saw authentic struggle and transparent pain.  That is what it means to be strong. Edgy, confident, compassionate, empathetic and different.  Strong.

It’s time to pause and reflect on strength and to step in to the mess we share and have created for each other in our professional and personal definitions of “strong”.

Refection Questions:

1. Think back…where in the past year did you feel that in order to “be strong” it was required (by you AND others) that you ignore what you needed and just keep going? Have you done that to other women either indirectly or on purpose?  Write it down.  What would you do differently?
2. Pause…are you the kind of person who pushes through pain and seeks validation based on your struggle? Can you peel back the layers to find out where in your life that expectation of “perfect” comes from?  Do you believe you are only valued by how much you do?  What steps could you consider taking to shift this need for externalizing your worth?
3. In what way could you demonstrate authenticity when you need or desire help? How could you show those around you your struggle?  Do you have a safe environment to do that in?  If not- how can you take an active role in creating that environment for yourself and others?

Get out of your mess.  Make a new life- get a new view.  Don’t do it alone.  Contact me to keep talking.  Let’s go do this together.  You and me.

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Communication is a funny thing.  We all do it yet some people are better at it than others.  In fact some people build an entire organization around their ability to listen.  Essentially this is what conflict management and personal coaching is based on- listening to the needs and desires of others.

So what makes some people good at this and others…not so much?  In his book “Everyone Communicates Few Connect” Author and Leader John Maxwell identifies the real core value of listening and why it is much much harder to do than we might think.

Listening as Policy

In a number of the businesses I have consulted to I was able to find some value statement inside of the mission statement or procedure manual about how to prioritize listening and how to engage in conversations.  From hiring procedures to disciplinary action… from senior managers to client care representatives…the ability to listen is  articulated across organizational structures.  However, this does not mean its done well or even at all.  When I am asked to engage teams often there is conflict within.  Some sort of tension that stems from lack of trust and if followed to the root has a lot to do with the ability (you guessed it) to listen…or not.

No matter how hard we nail corporate policy-listening is far more than a static procedure.

It seems like such an obvious piece but it is frequently missed.  When conflict arises the initial reaction is to look for a fix that manages fall-out or consequences.  We offer a refund to a customer who is not happy, we remove or reprimand someone for not fulfilling their role, etc.  We might express our point of view; we might even apologize.  In many ways this puts us at risk for bigger issues if we are not seeking connection with others.  Our listening is put to the test in highly emotional situations and if we haven’t learned to  engage it – it will show here in a glaringly obvious way.  We cannot rely solely on written value statements to have listening be actualized in our every day engagements and in those of our team,

Listening as Practice

You’ve done this. I’ve done this.  We bring a note pad, an agenda, an already fully formed outcome before a single word is uttered.  Our listening is shallow and focused on one thing-finding a solution.  We  create our own internal pressure to “get to the bottom of things” and resolve things quickly.  We define success as “its done”; and above all else we want to remove the problem…sound familiar?

Listening becomes a means to an end.  Our time is spent formulating responses and analyzing arguments.  We know what we’re going to say next before the person talking has time to finish their thoughts.  We might even talk over them in our eagerness to respond.  It might feel efficient and even “professional”.  You may even get positive feedback about being able to “think on your feet” and look incredibly equipped because you have answer for everything.

Our practice of “listening”” is weaponized and deployed with strategic cunning to either catch others unaware or to advance our predetermined priority.  The outcomes may have external appeal but ultimately ring hollow for those we engage.  They know instinctively we have not heard them. At times the response to being told others do not feel heard falls on our deaf ears- because listening was a part of our process- so it must be them…its not us.  When you have a position of authority and this is happening- you lose all credibility and all status as someone who is competent.  It is devastating for morale and clients alike.

When we weaponize listening our so-called success of solving problems is a false victory for us and those we are working with.  

Listening for Connection

Human beings communicate to connect.  The bottom line is we are social beings driven by our desire to belong.  Listening is key to that desire.  We don’t just communicate to share wants and needs.  If we did we would still be living in the jungles with our cousins the primates.  We are not merely animals with instincts- we are complex beings with minds not just brains.  Listening to connect is the essence of communication.  When thought of like this the act of listening takes on an entirely different meaning.  Its not a static “you talk- I respond” scenario. Its all encompassing and dynamic.  It’s our hearts reaching for one another.  Sound corny?  Ok- maybe a little- but go here with me for a second….

If we  put aside our policy and our practice- what would happen to the experiences we have?  Is it possible that THIS is what our clients want from us, our team  requires of us and potentially- what scares us the most?  Connection is a vulnerable thing because you have to  be open rather than closed.  You have to be able to  move towards others rather than focus on problems.

Listening with the intent of connecting addresses the shortfalls of conflict resolution and failed transparency in leaders.  

Listening for connection allows us to see beyond the words being used to the meaning and the emotions behind those words.  It  causes us to hesitate to “zing” someone with our wit and knowledge and FEEL where they are.  That connection can reduce the need for edgy and costly actions and can create new ground where ideas form and results are mutual.  As business owners, leaders and  organizational managers- we must invest in advancing our skills as connected listeners.  Without this we fail utterly to support those we are responsible for.  More than that- we shut ourselves off from internal growth that will serve us time and time again.

Reflection Questions:

1. In your organization- in the role you have- what would happen to your hiring process, your conflict management procedure, your team’s effectiveness and your love of your work if you and those around you shifted towards listening for connection?
2. Do you see people’s bodies, tone and facial expressions as modifiers for how you understand where they are coming from?  Do you “deep listen” so you can connect rather than just respond?  What holds you back from doing this more?
3. There is risk to you in connecting and really listening to those around you.  Imagine yourself doing this- how does it feel?  What support will you need to ensure you can do this on a regular basis?  Do you have what you need to listen for connection?

I’d love to hear your thoughts and your stories.  Please leave a comment below.  Want to keep the conversation going?   How can I help you?  Join my mailing list and I will help you find your path to listening for connection.

Over the weekend I had the pleasure of attending a TedX event in Victoria BC.  One of the speakers had me sitting forward in my seat.  She was singing my song!  Her name is Nicole Sorochan and she is the owner and Creative Director of One Net Studios– a digital marketing firm and media powerhouse.  Nicole identified an issue that has really impacted me in my professional life with devastating effects in all areas of my life- the negative side to being competitive.

At first glance you might think that competition is motivating.  Sure- a certain degree of challenging one another can really boost performance and make goals more palatable.  We can push each other to reach higher, do more and think beyond our limitations.  In sports, competition is how players measure their success.  Gaining rank or recognition by using competition works.  It’s the way that system is built.  In the corporate setting competition can have negative consequences for both businesses and people.

Competition is like a fire- when tended properly it can warm everyone but if it gets out of control it leaves nothing but ashes and devastation.

Nicole talked mostly about the issue of competition and women.  This really brought it home for me.  The helping professions (the one I spent 20 years in) are dominated primarily by women.  Teams of women working together.  If you ask anyone who works in health or human sciences invariably there is a comment about having that many women in the room.  There is a layer here that Nicole brings forward that requires our attention.  How much does competition “bleed us” or “feed us”?

I can recall in the not too distant past being introduced to a woman who provided a service very much like mine.  She spent that introduction name dropping and posturing.  It was very disappointing for me because I had hoped to connect with her- not compete.  Instead she shut down any opportunity for us to explore how we might support one another by clearly staking her claim to expertise and prestige.  Any attempt I made to add value was dismissed.  If there is one thing I have learned over the course of my career working primarily with other women:

It is your character not your credentials that will draw people to you.

Leadership can and should embrace a healthy amount of competition.  The difference between healthy and harmful is whether or not competition is used as a weapon.  When winning- in any industry or business- becomes more important than our core values and causes us to gain ground at the expense of others- it is toxic.  Incentives and rewards are only marginally helpful when they are divorced from the frame of “team”.  In workplaces dominated by women there is an ironic lack of femininity and feminine “features” of leadership.

Competition has a way of leeching away empathy, healing, listening, self-awareness and other core concepts of leadership that can be seen as a weakness instead of a strength.

Forbes author Michael Blanding talks about the impact of competition on creativity within the marketing industry.  The “Goldilocks” effect is the need to balance competition so that it is neither too little nor too much for people.  If we apply this to women we might see that the intensity around competition in motherhood, the workplace and for love (yes I said it) creates so much intensity that we are willing to throw not just one another but ourselves under the bus in order to win.

Perhaps on piece of the puzzle in the room when parents (moms) sit down to talk about services with professionals is that- this is a room full of women.  Is it possible that the persona of “warrior mother” is a liability because of the intensity of competition to WIN in a meeting?  I have to wonder if this dynamic is the under-current to knowing what is in play when families and professionals are not working together as a team- it’s a “woman thing” as much as it is anything else.  Are we judging each other as mothers?  Are we competing for love and attention?  Are we trying to stake a claim in the gender equality “fight” at the expense of one another?

Nicole Sorochan’s presentation raised a lot of important questions about competition and women for me.  It uncovered a layer that needs our attention and challenged me to pay closer attention to my fellow woman and her experience along side mine.

Reflection Questions:

1. When you think about empathy, healing, listening and self-awareness what are the negative connotations that you hear and feel around these characteristics?
2. Think back to interactions you have had where you felt that competition and domination became more important than working together?
3. What actions can you take to ensure that you are well-rounded in your need/drive to “WIN”?  What can you do to control your intensity so that you are not succeeding at the expense of others?

I’d love to hear if your experiences and thoughts are similar to mine.  Keep this conversation going by leaving a comment below.

This is the season for intensive interactions between parents and schools.  Fall, unlike any other time of the year, is a period where trust is either built or eroded.  In most contexts one would think that the increased contact would mean people are being brought closer together, sharing information and strategizing successfully.  There are a million groups and blogs for strictly parents or strictly professionals.  What if we all need to grow in the SAME way at the SAME time?  Let me explain…

The irony in Special Education is that more contact often means less trust, increased distance and competing perspectives and perspectives about information.  For many, both professionals and parents, the Fall is stressful and to some extent “hollow” in that there is a lot of talking but little accomplished.

As I write this I am thinking of families who I am hearing from this year who are now returning to the IEP process in the coming months.  Many have told me stories of being stonewalled or at odds with their school team.  It led me to ponder if the idea of “team” inclusive of the family is possible.

It would seem a very unattractive conclusion that professionals and parents appose one another in the process of supporting a child and yet this is very often the true reality of the IEP process.

Is being a team just a dream- I tend to think not and here’s why…

In the world of political correctness and fiscal restraint it is quite easy to assign blame to systems for all parties.  The sentiment that parents are “ nuts” or “demanding” is frequently what I hear from school administrators.  That schools are dishonest and poor stewards of resources is what I hear often from parents.  It would seem to me that perhaps this issue is more about team dynamics and how roles function within the IEP process than it is the actual IEP legislation and policy that binds it.

We value teams in many other aspects of our lives.  We get married- two individuals become a unit forging forward together; in sports strong teams win games or receive recognition and in the business sector team structure drives organizations. It would be entirely appropriate to think these same concepts apply to parents and professionals working together during the IEP process.  Where does it fall apart?

Roles

In all other areas of life, roles are very easy to see as important aspects of TEAM: You do, I do, We do…there is an assumed aspect of respect and value assigned to each member of a team.  This is the first failing in the IEP collaboration- failure to acknowledge the legitimate roles on the team.  It will forever be the role of the parent to stand up for a child.  That is what should happen.  There is value in that and it keeps teams centered on the key reason they are gathering- to support a child.

Dismissing the value of a parent’s active voice undermines the entire team. 

There is also value in the classroom teacher’s perspective of how the child fits into the dynamics of the group.  I hear a lot of criticism of teachers for failing to connect to kids.  As a mother of three I can say that’s enough of a load for me- to have to connect with 30 children is a role that must be acknowledged as being as complex and as important as the parent.  And still there will always be someone on the team who has the big picture of the school’s system in mind. Budgets, resources and the like are always going to be a part of the conversation.  We may not like the reality but we must respect the individual who bears that information as a part of their role.  Understanding and VALUING each person’s role is critical to collaboration.

Information sharing

Setting goals in the IEP process is complex. Teachers must be compliant to Ministry expectations and that may look like they are disregarding the information brought forward by the parent.  There is nothing that erodes trust more than to produce an IEP that does not represent strong collaboration.  I find that openly listening for solutions is very difficult because goals appear to be competing.  How can the teacher meet their goal to deliver content to the group while also honoring the individual needs of a child with an IEP?  The solution is not to relegate programming to support staff or simply not do it at all.  The answer is to openly consider all the information and look for collaborative solutions.  When team members shut down internally in the information sharing process- collaboration stops dead in its tracks.  Which leads me to my next point…

 If you look across the table and all you see is a road block for you to blast through to get to your goal- you aren’t going to be a part of the solution, you will be a part of the problem.  

Respect for Others

Bar none- this is the biggest piece that I have encountered to be problematic for parents and professionals when they work together.  The idea that the IEP is adversarial comes from systemic and pervasive issues of lack of trust and respect.  The underlying assumptions that we must “fight” for the right s of the child or “ meet industry standards” for administrators and teachers puts us at odds with one another.  This mindset has perpetually cut off genuinely caring team members from even trying.  It leads to apathy for both families and schools; “our system is so broken its not worth even trying”.  What I have seen over and over is that the need to manage stress, and clamor for purchase around limited resources means it’s a dog eat dog world within the team itself.

In my 20 years of supporting both professionals and families through IEPs I am convinced that the entire process needs an infusion of healing, empathy and listening.  I am not so certain that the system is so broken we are without recourse or consideration of NEW solutions and DIFFERENT ways of finding common ground.  Regardless of whether you are a parent or a professional consider that your frame of mind, your expectations and your beliefs about people on the team and the process itself ar far more influential than anything else that is in the room.  It does not matter WHO begins the “reset” of trust- it just matters that it happens.

I can count on one hand the number of times that a meeting began with transparent statements of how people are feeling and a desire to connect with one another.  Those few meetings were so powerful and so different from what I typically saw I can tell you- they were a joy to be a part of.  This tells me that we CAN collaborate- it’s just going to take some work and a huge mind-shift for all.

Reflection:

1. Consider your definition of advocacy– are you coming to the room expecting a fight or a collaboration? Expecting a fight will lead to competing goals and perspectives.  Take a few minutes to “Reset” before you enter the engagement.  Are your assumptions part of the problem or a part of the solution?
2. Are you prepared to listen? You must be open.  In your heart and in your mind to the possibility that the team may find a path unlike anything you have tried in the past.  Give some legitimate consideration to each suggestion.  If you aren’t comfortable with what is being suggested say so early and clearly and respectfully.
3. Did you deal with your own emotions prior to the meetings? Tension in the room will cut you off at the knees- think about the triggers you might encounter and process the depth of that before you go into the room.  Do not be the one to derail the conversation with big and potentially volatile emotion.
4. Come with ideas, suggestions and feedback.  Teacher, parent and administrator.  Sitting passively and then having to renege or decline a plan that was agreed to will lose you credibility.  Be prepared to be recognized in your role and to contribute without being defensive or offensive.
5. Be honest and open. You can share your responses and you should share them in the context of the IEP.  If you find that you are feeling a certain way- you should share that- especially the professionals.  If you are afraid, worried, scared, hopeful or excited- put that emotion in the room so the team can support or celebrate where you are at.  I have frequently on behalf of teachers turned to an administrator to say “surely you have some way of supporting this member of your TEAM”.  Often it is only the parent who shares honestly how they feel- sometimes that’s part of the problem because this emotion isn’t engaged by the rest of the team and this leaves parents feeling violated.  However, if professionals were transparent about the place they find themselves we would have far more authentic IEPs- with goals people were excited to accomplish because we would be hearing the obstacles and addressing them instead of swallowing them and failing to engage over time.

I recognize that my suggestion to work towards collaboration is a big task.  I’m not blind to the challenge I have proposed.  Nonetheless I am convinced that  a revolution of healing; despite the history of pain; that the IEP process is able to be what it is meant to be- the collaboration of parents and professionals.  I do not believe that the IEP is parent vs school despite the history to exactly this end.  I believe that teams with BOTH parents and professionals can function strongly- it just takes the small adjustments that YOU make for YOU to turn the team around.

Let’s dig deeper.  I am here to help. Contact me at jodi@joditucker.com and let’s build/rebuild your ability to collaborate on teams.

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